Betty ford says i'm here all night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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