then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
