some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
