Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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