i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
