I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
