Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
