fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
