My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
