"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
