yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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