I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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