Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
