i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
