True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
