U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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