you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
vagina is talking i cant
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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