i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
