I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
