What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
