I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
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I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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