I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
