When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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