When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
