Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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