Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
