we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
