I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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