Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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