hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
