He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
