I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
