ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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