yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
