I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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