I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
