have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
