when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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