he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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