I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
