Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
