Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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