Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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