I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
