Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
