I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
