It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
