I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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