final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
