I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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