i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
