why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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