So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
