My liver just broke up with me...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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