You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
