I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Less talking, more tequila
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
