How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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