Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Are my feet made of real feet?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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