I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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