I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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