The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
